5
June

Ms. Angelou

She had a voice that penetrated my consciousness. The wisdom was heard in each intonation. And her candor was delicious. She was a truth teller in every sense.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

I remember reading I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings in my 10th grade English class.  I was so intimidated by this book. It was the first time I really began to learn how to dig into an author’s meaning of not just words but their grouping of words. The way she strung them together was not only powerful; it was deep and provocative. I am so grateful her book along with a few others (Kaffir Boy, Native Son) were selected by Mrs. Jones.  It was in many ways my entry into learning how it felt, rather than how it was reported, to live as a young black person during those gruesome times of inequality.

“I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.”

I have to admit, I didn’t really know how full of a life Dr. Angelou lived. I understood she sang and did some film and theater, and was even engaged with the Civil Rights Movement.  I knew her as a literary change agent and a one of a kind, and compelling female role model.  I didn’t know she was raped as a young girl and after the perpetrator was murdered she didn’t speak for several years blaming her voice after having testified against him. I didn’t know Martin Luther King, Jr. her friend and colleague, was assassinated on her birthday and that she then didn’t celebrate her birthday for years following.  I didn’t know that she joined with Malcolm X prior to that to support his efforts only for that to be shortened by his assassination.  And that she lived in Cairo and Ghana and spoke more than 5 languages all while raising a son that she delivered at 16.

“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels.”

Her life story, what she experienced, and then what she did with her life is beyond inspirational.  I am not sure we celebrate the courage of the human spirit enough. Her resiliency was unwavering and it’s evident she didn’t know any other way.   Ms. Angelou‘s life is an example of what is possible for any of us. Her exampleship and memory will serve us for generations to come, and I hold that if nothing else, her choices give us, most especially women, permission to live our lives fully. To not hold back. To not waste time. To not miss opportunities to shine because we don’t want to upset or ruffle feathers. To stop telling ourselves bullshit stories about what we can’t do or what isn’t possible.

She drove impossible out of the game, completely.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you cannot practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically but nothing consistently without courage.”

Thank you, Ms. Angelou. You will be the rainbow in the clouds for many.

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3
June

Finding the Blessing in Vertigo…

This past Sunday after I got myself to the beautiful sands of Santa Monica, I turned my head to grab something out of my bag and when I turned back it seemed the world was spinning around me. I knew this feeling. Back in 2004, I had a 5 day bout with vertigo that rocked me to the core. At that time, it was never really clear where it came from because I hadn’t had a cold or any infections to speak of.  After spending three days not being able to do much because I was walking into walls, I got myself to the emergency room where they eventually released me with anti-nausea and anti-dizzy medications. I experienced a few more small incidences over the years but none quite like that time nor the space I am encountering now.

When I experienced this at the beach this past Sunday my first thought was waiting to see if it would pass. Kind of like when an earthquake hits us here in Los Angeles, I wait to see if I need to hustle my butt to a door frame for safety. Well, I waited and it appeared the feeling of sensing I was on a boat and not on steady ground did not seem to pass. I had only arrived at the beach about 20 minutes prior so I contemplated if I should leave or attempt to enjoy a few hours of sun and blue sea. The idea of moving didn’t appeal to me due to my phobia of nausea so I stayed for a bit.  I even turned over – you know, the objective of achieving the even tan, and that lasted for a little over an hour.  I eventually got myself up and very carefully and slowly got dressed, and walked myself through the sand back to my car. I felt like an alien in my body.

I am not sure how but I safely drove myself home taking quieter, less active streets. When I arrived home, I laid down on my sofa and began contemplating the meaning and purpose of this experience. I felt a sense of peace and resolve. This has really never been my reaction when ever feeling nausea let alone feeling out of control of my body and physical experience. I felt this knowing that it was a message and my willingness and ability to receive that was important.

In the past, I have often rejected discomfort or things occurring that I didn’t plan for or want to be experiencing and despite this definitely being uncomfortable, I just went with it. And I still am. I discovered today that I do have some liquid behind my inner ear – no infection. However the liquid may be causing the imbalance.  After some swimming last week in a heated pool and lots of hot yoga, I believe I am a bit dehydrated and maybe a little run down. I am so used to pushing, doing, and always going that it still stumps me when my body is seeking rest. I create time for exercise, meditation, and other self-care regimes so I just didn’t see this one coming. However, that sense of calm that came when laying on the beach feeling the earth spinning was my Inner Knowing saying, “hey, girl, this is for you.” I know that may sound crazy like why would having vertigo be for you, and the truth is I am not completely clear exactly why but here is what I have come up with so far.

– You are in an awesome place of transition and transformation. Coming into balance with ALL of who you are is a beautiful gift for stepping into what is next.

– You often think you need to do it all by yourself.  Well you need to eat and you cannot drive so opening yourself up to the Love and assistance of your friends is available right now.

– When you don’t feel good inside you sometimes look to others to “help you feel better.” Here is your opportunity to show up for yourself, love yourself despite how you FEEL. (Take dominion.)

– You ego likes to control things and outcomes. How about if you just be in this place of unknowing and experience not knowing with a little Grace? Perform an experiment like the smart social scientist that you are.

And there are others. The message being there is meaning in all that occurs and we decide, I decide, when to look at it and when to overlook it. And we (I) also decide when to use it for our Selves or against ourselves.

With the assistance of some Loving friends, funny text messages, inspiring en*theos videos, and a deep connection to Spirit, I am going with this one…For me.

For your consideration…

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30
May

Light!

“Sending Light.”  “So much Light!”  “I am sending Light ahead.”

What do I mean by this?

Short version: I am offering up a blessing of Love.

Longer version: In the last few years I have adopted these phrases and I often share them with my loved ones, those that know exactly what I am referencing and those that don’t. Initially, I would catch myself prior to saying, so as not to confuse someone or be asked to explain what I meant.  I didn’t want to be misunderstood and I also didn’t really want to explain why I was saying the word “light” or what I meant by it.  I hoped the way I shared and the moments I chose to share, it would be fairly self explanatory where I was coming from.  Plus we all have an idea of what Light means – at least in the literal sense. Light is bright, illuminating, a form of energy.

Soon, I decided not to worry about being misunderstood, trusting my intention and knowing it would shine through whenever I expressed it. And pretty soon my loved ones that weren’t already saying it themselves, were now reflecting it back to me.  It’s really quite wonderful, language, and how we use it to communicate. It goes to show that the listening behind what is being said is really where the understanding comes from.

So, I want to share a little bit more about what Light is…for me.

Light is spiritual.  Light is Love.  Light is God.  Light is prayer.  Light is calling forward the energy of the Precious Presence or the perfection of Love that is available to any of us at any time.  Light is Joy.  Light is goodwill.  Light is a blessing.  Light is the power of the holy spirit, the universe, God, whatever higher power any of us choose to call home.  Light is available.  If we choose to see it and call on it.

When I express my blessings of Light, I am saying that my Loving and heartfelt attention is calling on, asking for, and offering an intention of Grace, Ease, Expansion, Healing, Divinity, Wholeness, Radiance…you get the picture, to be sent directly to you or the situation.  This is my prayer.

For  your consideration.

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12
July

Trust vs. Fear

My sweet friend reflected to me today that I am doing a trust walk in my life right now. I thought to myself, “yeah, feels more like a trust run!” I am wanting to run to the finish line to keep from feeling the discomfort of the fear and unknown. I bounce between trust and fear it seems, by the hour. I experience total acceptance and confidence in myself and in what lies ahead and then fear sets in and I have these mini panic attacks..where trust, faith, and belief allude me. Of course, I could also bucket it within my mind and say “reason sets in.” And maybe that is partially true but I’ve never gone about things the way most do. I take risks. Sometimes big ones and they don’t always pan out. But I learn and I have no regrets. (Ok, there is one and I will write about that soon.)

Anyways, the motivation for this post is just to call it out for what it is: trust, fear, reason, risk, success, failure or all of the above. My intention is to remember to be in it. To respect the process and to stay awake to the beauty of it all. I’m alive. I’m blessed. I’m in choice and I’m aware of all of that. When I sink back into the fear, my intention is to feel that too. There is no need to reject it. It only holds me more deeply when I do.

Do you know what I mean?

Are you letting fear hold you back in someway because when it’s present you reject it, ignore it or better yet distract yourself from feeling it by engaging in some other behavior that isn’t necessarily serving you? (Unconscious eating, internet mind numbing or TV engrossment?)

I get it. Doing it or done, all the above.

And I’m just putting it out there.

For your consideration…

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10
July

Early Morning Moments

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I’ve been aware for a long time that mornings (and the earlier the better) can be exquisite. There is such opportunity to be had in the morning. Sometimes that might mean super early depending upon what goes on in your life. My intention is to create the space where my life fits in more early morning moments…like these. Grateful.

Elizabeth Gilbert writes about the beauty of her mornings here. Inspired.

For your consideration…

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26
June

Let’s Be in the Love

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There is a lot of loving going on right now with the amazing news today! And a whole lot of singing too, Im sure.

I felt inspired to fly on the tails of this beautiful news to encourage all of us to be asking the question, “What Makes Your Heart Sing?” In the spirit of equality, freedom, and the open-heartedness that is in the air, it’s okay to be doing things, moving towards, being with whatever makes your Heart sing. Life is just too short to handle it any other way.

Love!

ps. I just wrote this blog post from my iPhone! Yes!

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2
May

1 – Writing is my Art!

I have a yearning in my heart to write.  My grandfather used to acknowledge my writings and his praise was such a wonderful encouragement.  I began to believe in myself as a writer from him.  He was actually a beautiful writer himself and some of the letters he sent me via snail mail and email are of my most treasured possessions.  He had a way with words in that there was such clarity.  His tone was jovial, light, honest and yet he shared things that ran deep – his feelings.  He was a man that gave himself permission to be vulnerable in his writings and he took you on a journey.

I believe we are all artists and are making art all the time, we just don’t always realize it.  It might be in the way that we listen to a friend, tell a story, lead a conference call, make a bed, teach something to our child, or organize our house.  You know those things that when you do them, there is such grace.  It’s often effortless and you typically have a moment inside where you know you are shining, even just for a bit.  You feel good and that humble sense of fulfillment fills your belly.  It’s really beautiful.  Those are the moments of life.  That is the nectar.  And I say that with such a full heart.  We all deserve to experience that and begin teaching through our example that way of being.

I hold for all of us that it becomes more natural to pursue those experiences and to give ourself permission to not only excel in them as we naturally do, but also to recognize in ourselves, our art and to do more of it!  You see, we have been living in a world where we’ve been conditioned to be “good,” to obey, be quiet, fit in, and definitely, most definitely not to toot our own horn and be conceited! God forbid!  Our world is different now.  We need to stand forward in our strengths, in our art, because it gives others permission to do so and also because it creates the experience of Joy and Love. Spreading Joy and Love is in need and it is so vital to our evolution.  If you are hiding behind some false sense that you don’t have art in you or that it’s not okay to be amazing and brilliant.  Please, just knock it off.  We don’t have time to stay in that place any further. The world is changing rapidly and seeing your art, giving yourself permission to stand in it, is now.

For your consideration…

p.s. this was my 32nd post…more to come soon. :-)

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30
April

4 – Goodbyes

This will be short and sweet.  It’s more an ode to a past way of being.

I am not good with goodbyes (in the past).  But not in the way you are thinking.  I am not openly afraid of goodbyes and therefore avoid them, you know those individuals that say, “I cannot say goodbye so I’ll say farewell or see you later.”

Rather, I have been so afraid of goodbyes (in the past) that I unconsciously would obsess over there impending inevitability, in turn co-creating them sooner.  Either that or I (in the past) would create reasons to part and fulfill the goodbye because at least then I am aware and in control of when the goodbye is occurring.  Nuts, right?  I know you relate, though. At least one of you do. :-)

Here is the thing.  I experienced a lot of goodbyes when I was young.  Although I didn’t realize the effect this had on me until I was in my 30’s, that is the bottom line.  As a little girl, those goodbyes were hard.  Because I was a resilient little girl, I swept those feelings under the rug, had no conscious idea they would later formulate aspects of my personality and went about my business.  Fast forward 35 years later and I can see now how instead of waiting for an impending goodbye, I would instead quietly, slowly, unconsciously (in the past) instigate the goodbye.  Better sooner than later.  Ha!

It gets better.  I cannot really keep to the goodbye.  I have to go back and go back again because goodbye never meant forever; it was temporary then, so why wouldn’t it be temporary now?  Right?!?  Right.

Here we are now.  I am letting that go, that way of being.  I am no longer afraid of a goodbye since all of life is an impending goodbye at some point.  Our time here is temporary.  I know this and I would much rather be in it, fully in it, not consciously or unconsciously focusing on when I may not be in it.  That is just silly nonsense.  Whew!  I am so glad we cleared that one up.

Who’s next?

P.S. I release my parents from any liability or responsibility.  The therapy bills are paid and talking to God is free. :-)  I am a Soul having a human experience and all of it, all of this, is exactly on purpose.  No mistakes, no regrets.

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25
April

8 – Love II

Source: kewple.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

Oh, Pablo, how I love thee.

Mr Neruda has an enduring lock on the words of love.  Each time I read one of his poems I am reminded of the sweetness, the Divinity and the deep sensual nature that love is.  He inspires me to remember that this kind of love, which he speaks of here, is awaiting me.  I am so grateful and my heart is open.

I know with every fiber of my being that love like this is available to each of us and more than once in our lifetime.  What’s important is recognizing it, even if it’s no longer present. Because in the recognition we can steep in the knowing that we are loved and more importantly, that we are Love.

For your consideration…

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24
April

9 – Vulnerability

Choosing to really be open and vulnerable, to share something that is a risk is a new place for me.  I have been holding the belief that because I am such an open person often sharing myself, that meant I was vulnerable.  And for some individuals that may be the case.  I see now that for me that is me just being me.  I am a verbal processor.  I learn by talking it out, often hearing myself out loud speak about whatever is present for me.  I may share more openly than others and for me, there hasn’t really been a vulnerability marker in that, until recently.

Most recently, I have been willing to acknowledge and share the riskier stuff, the deeper hurts, limiting beliefs or fears that I am experiencing.  It is definitely scary, to be so raw, to expose myself to another or better yet to hear myself acknowledge what I am aware of.  I know there is power in the awareness and it is also scary – at least at first.  Then it can be a relief and cleansing.

In the past I would share details and as I shared them I would have all the answers or I would share with confidence that I understood what all of it meant or I would even convince myself or whoever I was speaking with that I was okay with it.  I can now call “bullshit” on myself.  Many times, I hadn’t even dug deep enough into the root of it to be okay with anything.

Today, I am focused on creating my own business, becoming an entrepreneur and sharing publicly that my intention is to coach others, among a few other things. :-)  I have been challenged and tested on each of those intentions.  I am being faced with all the reasons why I haven’t created them so far – belief in myself, a sense of unworthiness or a lack of confidence that others may not see my offering as valuable or whatever other negative, contracting, fear-based feeling that can come forward.  And you know what?  This is all part of the process.  The only way I will be able to be successful in my intentions is if I walk through the before steps.  And it is precisely because of these heartfelt dreams and my willingness and drive to go for them, that I will heal and remove these barriers for the last time.

I felt inspired to share about vulnerability because I saw it so beautifully demonstrated before my eyes this evening.  I attended an event where a gentleman stood up and shared what I know was a huge, honest, and vulnerable sharing for him.  It touched me and it reminded me of my current journey and the work of Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly.  Here is a quick video of her and Oprah discussing how vulnerability is the gateway to courage.

For your consideration…

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